I am intelligent, intuitive, loving, smart and funny… these are a few of my many great qualities I love about Me. Definitely NOT perfect – that is not what I am striving for as perfection is an uncatchable ghost that eludes you. These days, I choose not to rely on the approval, validation, or the acceptance of others so much anymore – as much as I rely upon my own self to feel really good in my own skin. Huh? What? What? This is what it probably means to be living in the belief “To thine own self be true”, and for the first time in my life, I believe I am living with the tranquility of those words on the inside of me.
Little by little and piece by piece by piece, I am collecting my worth which had been scattered all over the whereabouts of my life. I had no clue just how worthy of a person I am. This unclaimed truth had cost me so much in life. It made me a vulnerable and naive fool because I tolerated and endured so many unhealthy, toxic, lying, cheating, neglectful, critical, manipulative labyrinths of relations with people thus far. I think every person who has encountered and entertained users and abusers in life has had an enormous tear in the fabric of their own self worth.
My own self worth was practically non-existent! I was as blind as a bat when it came to recognizing the truth about my lack to live from a place of integrity. When love did show up, when someone did mirror to me that I had worth and value – I looked at them and what they were conveying with extreme suspicion, as if I had never seen the likes of this before and what the hell it was!
I was scattered, smothered and covered up by the junky-junk-junk of the way people were connecting with me. It was heaped upon me so thick that I could no longer move. I had to take a pause in my life. All of this outwardly focus of mine was depleting me and I was feeling worse and worse by the day about myself. My own inner critic had joined forces with my outer critics and they were on a mission to make real damn certain that I was just another failing, unlovable, unworthy piece of work person tossed into the trash pile of rejects, unacceptables and not good enoughs.
I needed a heroine! I needed a champion! I didn’t want to go down like this! A flicker of acknowledgement that there was something extraordinary about me kept me from completely giving up. I sent up a flare – a signal into the sky – shouting “help me! Please! Help me”, I cried. I know there is something valuable about me. I can feel it deep within. I know it is there, I just have to find it.
The haze of my confused and lost state of being cleared for a moment and suddenly, before my eyes, there She stood! A vision of everything I always knew her to be! Her bearing was fiercely strong, resonating an inner wisdom expression that radiated “Power-full”! She was “unfuckwithable”! Her aura exuded a portrait of beauty, filled to the brim with compassion, kindness, and nurturing Love.
Her presence had an inviting warmth of complete acceptance. There was also an unmistakable intense fire that was burning brightly within her. It told the story of her courage. It illuminated her loyalty to all things integrity and the honor she stood for in virtuous choices for herself. Upon her skin she wielded deep scars where she had fought jaded battles to preserve her magnificent essence. My heart and very soul yearned to reach out and touch her vibrant aura of energy. I longed to take it all within me with each inhale and become totally immersed in the very essence of her being.
Curiously I gazed intently with penetrating observation at my “vision girl”. It was as if she was a kindred soul of mine. All of a sudden, in that moment, clarity flooded into my knowing bones… that girl is a reflection of my highest self, who I am deep within – the greatest expression of my unclaimed magnificence. I looked into her eyes… those are my eyes, I thought to myself in amazement.
Just then, she confidently echoed a message of wisdom – making sure that I heard exactly what she had to say. “WAKE UP! Get up now from where you are and claim your worth! Embrace it and guard it as the deeply valued treasure that it is and never ever compromise it again by giving it away.”
She went on to express – thru an inner wisdom kind of language – “Now that you are awake my beloved girl, you will see all things through your wisdom eyes. Never doubt it’s guidance for it is mistake free. It is made up of all things divine and holy and pure. Trust your wisdom completely and it shall support you in every way with every essential provision you will need on your journey.”
“I claim thee worthy!” She exclaimed! My body felt energized and I rose up to meet her and stake my claim in my wondrous
find. At last, I embraced the essence of her wild and un-tamed heart. In that moment, our energies merged like someone wrapping their arms of complete love around you. The feeling was supernatural and familiar.
I didn’t look back anymore at the places where I had fallen for I knew in my knowing bones, I was now standing purposefully within my own Worth!